Say Yes To De-Stress

This morning I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart was pumping and my thoughts were racing. After school, my three children need to be dropped   off at three different places at the same time. The mortgage is due at the end of the week and my daughter is getting an award at school but I can’t go because I have to work. On top of that, the huge hole in my ceiling needs to be fixed. Do I feel stressed? Absolutely! More and more, I find myself waking up with these symptoms. Many of my peers report feeling the same way and who can blame them given today’s rough economic times and busier way of life.  

If stress is impacting us, it must be affecting our children too. According to two different studies done by the American Psychological Association (APA) in 2009 and 2010, children are more stressed than parents realize and children are more aware of their parents' stress than parents recognize (APA, Jayson). Psychologists report that if children don't learn healthy ways to manage now, it could have serious long-term health implications (APA). What are we worried about, how does it affect our families and more importantly, how can we make lasting lifestyle changes to reduce the high levels of stress we are facing?

Financial issues, demands of work and worrying if we are meeting the physical and emotional needs of our children are but a few of the issues parents are facing in today's fast paced world.  There is also a lot of pressure on children.  They must do well in school, fit in socially, handle multiple extra curricular activities in addition to excelling in all of these areas.  These are only the daily hurdles we face. There are also situational forms of stress such as divorce, a move or a death in the family.  Is it no wonder that we all feel the strain?

With all of our responsibilities, there is certain to be less time to spend with our children. Even when we do make the time, we are not as focused on the present because there is so much to think about.  Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute in New York poses the question, if we are cooking dinner, looking at our kids' homework and also thinking about a discussion we had with our boss, can we really be focused on what's going on in the moment (Live Science)?  Another struggle parents have is trying to prevent their own stress from impacting their children. Parents may think they are doing this, but the 2010 APA report found that parents don't do a very good job of hiding it.  Ninety one percent of 1,136 young people ages  8 - 17 surveyed say they know their parents are stressed largely by their behavior. Parents have less patience, can be more irritable and even yell more. This does not bode well for good family dynamics or for their children's good health and mental well being. According to the 2009 APA survey, children can develop headaches, have trouble sleeping and develop eating issues when exposed to stress.  Children learn from our behavior, so it is important to set a good example of how to react in stressful situations.  Recently I saw my 9 year old daughter lose her cool with her 5 year old brother. When I talked to her about it, she said, "I thought yelling at him is okay because I heard you do it yesterday."  In the future, if I could set a better example then she could learn to model my positive behavior instead of my negative behavior.

So now what can we do to make some positive lifestyle changes?

Communicate with your children (Brodsky)

Let them know when there is added tension in your household and what the stress is about. Talk to them in age appropriate language and give them enough information so they understand that they are not at fault for what's happening. Talk to them about what you are doing to manage your stress and together, come up with strategies to manage theirs as well. Make sure your children know there is an open dialogue in your family.  They should know that they can talk to you if they are upset or have questions.

Practice relaxation techniques

Abdominal breathing, yoga, meditation and thinking calm and positive thoughts can help everyone to relax more. Abdominal breathing involves taking several deep cleansing breaths freely and deeply through your abdomen for a concentrated amount of time.  Once this technique is mastered, it can be done anywhere including waiting on line at the supermarket, driving in traffic or at home in the middle of a stressful moment (Seaward, 320). Yoga and meditation have huge psychological benefits such as decreased feelings of hostility, increased positive mood, and a heightened sense of calmness. Lauren, an assistant nursery school teacher at Park Shore and a mother of 2 active young boys has taught some of these techniques to her own children as well as to her students. She has observed noticeable positive shifts in their behavior when they are able to employ these techniques.

We all have a running dialogue in our head which can sometimes be negative and can increase our anxiety.  To help relax, recognize these negative thoughts and choose not to focus on them but on alternative positive thoughts instead.  Practicing all of these techniques alone as well as with your children when you are not stressed will allow you to utilize these methods when you need them most. 

Take time for yourself

 I think the stewardesses on the airlines say it best, "If an oxygen mask comes down in an emergency put yours on first and then help a child who may be sitting next to you."  If your own needs are met first, then you have the "oxygen" and energy to take care of others. Make sure to plan fun activities with your own friends, start or nurture a hobby you are interested in, get a massage or relax with a good book and a cup of coffee. Taking this time will surely benefit you and your whole family.

Get outdoors

Getting outdoors away from the phone, the television and the distractions in the house allows families to connect and relax in their natural environment. Take a family walk or bike ride.  Go hiking on a trail in a local park.  Have a picnic at the beach or have a catch on an empty ball field. Physical activity increases the mind body connection which helps reduce stress.

Sometimes we don't even realize that our stress is getting to us.  When I see my children fighting, and I hear myself raise my voice more, I know something is not right.  In those moments, I wish that someone would invent a magic potion to wash away all the tension but I know that's not going to happen.  Instead, I reach for my kids, hug them harder and laugh a little louder.  Then I sneak into a quiet corner of the house to eat a piece of chocolate and read the last chapter of the book I have been trying to finish for the past 6 months!

References 

"APA Raises Concern About Parent Perceptions of Children's Stress." . American Psychological Association, 3 Nov. 2009. Web. 14 June 2011. <www.apa.org>.

Brodsky, Rachel. "Stress Monsters." New York Metro Parents May 2011: 12+. Print.

Jayson, Sharon. "Kids Pick Up on Parents' Stress. Survey Finds." Your Life: Family and Parenting. Ed. Brent Jones. USA Today, 8 Nov. 2010. Web. 13 June 2011. <www.usatoday.com> 

"Job Stress can Affect Your Children." Today Health. Live Science, 25 Jan. 2007. Web. 13 June 2011. <http://today.msnbc.com>.

Seaward, Brian L. Managing Stress: Prinicples and Strategies for Health and Well-Being. Third ed. Sudbury: Jones and Bartlett Publishers, 2002. 320-21. Print.