Peer Pressure Pandemonium

Two of my neighbor's children, Tara and Jackie have been best friends since kindergarten. They did everything together from play dates and girl scouts to dance classes and sleepovers. They are both great kids who make their parents proud.  They are in 8th grade now and there is a change in the air.  Lately, Jackie has been hanging out with a new group of girls who dress differently, they make fun of other girls who are not "cool" and their schoolwork is not a top priority anymore.  Tara is happy with who she is but has been getting pressure from Jackie to do things with which she is not comfortable.  Does she choose her gut feeling which is telling her not to change or does she follow the crowd for fear of losing her best friend? This is the dilemma for Tara (and for any of our children in a similar situation).   Why would a happy, confident, secure 14 year old girl even think about changing the way she looks or changing her priorities? The answer of course is, peer pressure.  Unfortunately, this is an inevitable part of growing up.  In order to help our children resist negative peer pressure, we have to understand what it is and why it happens. We then need to build up our children's self-confidence and judgment skills which will help them to navigate this unavoidable rite of passage.

Simply put, peer pressure is the power that friends have over one another.  It happens when children feel that they have to go along with what others are doing in order to fit in (Stewart, 6). There is negative peer pressure in which a group of friends put pressure on someone to do something that may result in negative consequences.  This can include being mean to others or engaging in risky or even illegal behaviors.  Positive peer pressure involves friends encouraging one another to do well in school and to make choices that will lead to positive consequences such as joining sports teams or doing community service.

During early childhood, although the power of peer pressure is not as influential as in later years, it still exists and may take on the form of teasing, name calling or threatening exclusion from play (U.S Dept of H.H.S).  At ages 10 - 11 years old, the power of peer pressure increases as the approval and acceptance from peers becomes more significant.

Think back to your own adolescence.  I'm sure you can remember the subtle pressure to change your hairstyle or to act a certain way so certain people would like you more. Maybe you even remember the not so subtle pressure to do something outside of your comfort zone that could possibly lead to serious consequences. Try to call up the feelings you had in those situations and you can probably understand why peer pressure is so prevalent and why some children are more easily swayed by it.  Puberty is a very tumultuous and confusing time for preteens and adolescents.  Their bodies are changing and their emotions are shifting. They are becoming more independent yet still rely on their parents to meet their physical and some of their emotional needs. These changes can cause teens to feel more self conscious, less confident and even more needy of attention. Teens may act out these feelings by pressuring and bullying other to do things they might not normally do. These actions help them feel better about themselves or normalize their negative behavior. However, in the long run, this is certainly not a healthy way to work things through.  While some teens pressure their friends, as noted above, others succumb to the pressure.  They go against their own beliefs to be liked, they become part of a group with a negative influence or they change their behavior just to fit in.  Again, we all know that these are not long term solutions to deal with the confusion that children face during this tumultuous time of their lives.

So, how can we help young children and especially preteens and adolescents handle peer pressure?

• TALK, TALK, and LISTEN, LISTEN! As with most other parenting issues, talking and listening to your children is one of the most important things you could do. On a consistent basis, be interested in what they are doing and what is going on in their lives.  Ask questions about school and about their friends during moments when they are relaxed and open such as at breakfast, just before bedtime or in the car driving to their after school activities.  This open communication will allow them to feel comfortable raising and talking about issues around peer pressure if they need to. Talking will help them feel supported even when they are feeling excluded or pressured in their peer environment.
•  Build Self Confidence and Self Esteem.  Help children set realistic goals in the various aspects of their lives, i.e. school, sports, and hobbies.  Identify specific and manageable steps they will take to achieve their goals. When they reach their goals, take the time to celebrate their achievements.  This will give them self confidence when faced with peer pressure.  Make sure they have things in their lives they are good at and love to do such as soccer, piano playing, caring for a pet, or helping others. Also, being part of something such as a team or a group will give them a sense of belonging and fitting in so they won't have to look for this in negative places.
•  Teach problem solving, decision making and good judgment. If children know the steps to better problem solve they can help make decisions about how to handle peer pressure. This can lead to better judgment and more independent thinking.  Steps to problem solve include (Galinsky, 90): identification of the problem, determination of the goal, selection of a solution, evaluation of the solution and implementation of a new one if the one chosen did not work. Encourage children to have good judgment by having them find positive peer groups that have similar interests to theirs.
•  Ask Questions.  Children need to ask themselves hard questions.  Do I really want to do that?  Do I want to be involved in a mean prank?  Do I really want to be friends with a group of people who pressure me into doing things that don't make me feel good? Are the "rules" of my peer group those that I agree with or feel uncomfortable with?  Answering these questions honestly will bring clarity to handling their difficulties.
•  Talk About Family Values. Continue to remind your children about the important values that you follow in your family such as the importance of school, doing your best or giving support and including others. These are core beliefs that children can refer to when they are faced with negative peer pressure that may go against the values they have been taught at home.

No one ever said life was going to be easy. Negative peer pressure is a fact of life. It is always going to be there and it even rears its ugly head in the adult world. The best way to handle this pressure is to remind your children that they have choices. Fitting in with the wrong crowd might make them feel better in the short run. However, the ultimate goal is to feel included and accepted based on who they are as a person, not who someone wants them to be.

References

Galinsky, Ellen. Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. New York: HarperCollins Books, 2010. 89-91. Print.

Peer Pressure." Building Blocks for a Healthy Future. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 21 Jan. 2011. Web. 6 Oct. 2011. <www.bblocks.samhsa.gov>.

Stewart, Gail B. Peer Pressure. Farmington Hills: KidHaven Press, 2003. 6-8. Print.