Navigating The Choppy Waters Of Middle School

It was September 7, 2011 and I just said goodbye to my oldest child, Evan, who is starting Middle School! Did he actually tell me not to go to the bus stop with him? I knew things were going to change but not this quickly. The past 8 years of preschool and primary school certainly had its ups and downs however something tells me that navigating through middle school will present a different set of challenges. During this phase, our tweens are adjusting to a new school, developing a new found sense of independence and they are going to experience drastic emotional and physical changes. All of this will force us as parents to strike the balance between giving them their autonomy and being there for them in a way that is most helpful. At the same time, we need to be mindful that they are tweens, stuck between childhood and full blown adolescence – such a strange, troublesome, yet exciting time for children and their families!

After 3 months of middle School, I was pleasantly surprised that Evan easily figured out where his classes were, when to go to his locker and how to organize his paperwork. With these simple logistics out of the way, the challenge now is for him (not me) to come up with time management techniques to balance his schoolwork and his extracurricular and social activities. For instance, how can Evan study for two tests that are coming up on Monday as well as go to his new friend’s Halloween party on Saturday? Before letting Evan decide how to proceed, we reminded him of our family’s philosophy that school work is a priority. In the end, he chose to spend some of his weekend time studying and then was able to go and have fun at the party. I think this was a great solution. It’s important to take advantage of new social interactions because at this age, children become more peer focused. So far, he seems to be making good choices but helping him get there has been exhausting!

Dealing with Evan’s emerging independence has been a real eye opener. While trick or treating on Halloween with some other families from our neighborhood, Evan wanted to go a few blocks ahead to be alone with his friends. By asking to do this, he was asserting his new found independence. I hesitated for a moment because it was only a few years ago that he was eagerly holding my hand while going from house to house. We let him know that as long as he continually shows that he is trustworthy and follows our rules, we will let him do more on his own. So, I put my good memories in the back of my mind and let him go ahead with his friends to have a good time.

Recently I have begun to see changes in Evan’s behavior toward his family. He is able to more clearly express his needs to us and he can argue his point of view like a good lawyer. This behavior makes sense because during this period of development, more sophisticated reasoning skills expand which allow tweens to be able to better negotiate (Mersch). Evan’s attitude toward his siblings is unpredictable as well. At times he is empathic and helpful towards his younger brother which we are happy about and at other times he is more aggressive which doesn’t bode well for good family dynamics. Sometimes we’re not sure which Evan is going to show up! Developmentally this behavior is within the normal range because at this age tweens begin to recognize the needs and wants of others and are becoming less egocentric. This decreased focus on themselves allows them to have more empathy and to find gratification in helping and being there for others (Mersch).

The above issues that I mentioned are only touching the surface of this tumultuous time of their lives. Tweens are coping with many physical and hormonal changes in their bodies which can wreak havoc on their emotional state. Tweens may feel self conscious about these changes in their body, especially if they develop earlier or later than their peers (Tasovac). The chemical fluctuations of the new hormones being released in their bodies also affect their mood which is why we sometimes see sadness, euphoria, anger, frustration and happiness from one moment to the next! During this time, you may notice some increased anxiety. This anxiety can show itself in many ways such as mood swings, increased or lack of sleep or even toddler like meltdowns! Anxiety can have many causes such as the surge of hormones mentioned above but sometimes the increased social pressure and increased work load can contribute to it too.

Of course, bullying and peer pressure are other serious issues that come up during the middle school years. As I have written other Parenting Corner articles about these important issues I will just remind parents how important it is to be well informed about these topics and to maintain open dialogue with your children about them.

As challenging as this period sounds, there are ways to smooth out the journey:

1. Talk about the positives. In preparing your children for the change from primary school to middle school, talk about the good things 1) Each teacher is a specialist in their subject so they will have interesting and detailed information to share; 2) If your children don’t like a particular teacher they only have to be with them for 40 minutes each day; 3) There are many recreational and fun clubs to join where they can try out or pursue a variety of interests and meet peers who have the same interests; 4) They have more freedom in being responsible for themselves; 5) Being in a different classroom for each period makes the day more interesting and allows them to be with different friends and to meet new people.
2. Have regular family meetings. In these meetings, you can help your children identify and talk about their difficulties, their fears and the changes they are experiencing. Problem solve together. This is a time to identify the positive things that your children are doing as well to identify your behavior that is helpful to them.
3. Capitalize on their decreased egocentricity. Engage them in family activities and help for the betterment of the family (Mersch). Reach out to those less fortunate by volunteering at a soup kitchen or visiting the elderly at a nursing home. They will be more open to understanding that their acts of kindness can go a long way to help someone else in need.
4. Support each stage of development without too much criticism. It is sometimes easier to tell a child what they are doing wrong. Instead, focus on their strengths and accomplishments. Acknowledge the changes they are experiencing and validate their feelings and reactions to what is going on. This validation will boost their confidence and allow them to feel heard.

While this period of development may seem insurmountable, take comfort in knowing that this too shall pass! Having several strategies to handle the ups and downs will go a long way in navigating these choppy waters. So, take a deep breath, hold on and try to enjoy the ride!

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