Is Being A Helicopter Parent Holding Back Your Child?

I want to pull my hair out.  I’ve reminded my 11 year old son for the third time that he has to study for his upcoming math test. On one hand, I know he needs these reminders because he is not good with time management.  On the other hand, if I keep nagging him, how will he ever learn to manage his own time? Although I want to help him succeed, I don’t want to be guilty of being a helicopter parent, hovering and micromanaging every aspect of my child’s life (Krache, 1).

As parents, we need to strike a balance between being concerned and nurturing without being overbearing. Putting the burden of responsibility on the children will help them develop tools to become dependable and self-reliant adults. They will learn to be accountable for their own actions, develop keener abilities in regards to decision making, problem solving and handling disappointment.  We may not realize it, but by hovering and taking over, we may be causing them unnecessary anxiety as well as sending non-verbal messages that they can't manage certain life tasks by themselves.

Children who experience natural consequences for their actions will quickly learn to change their behavior. Whenever I go to my children's intermediate school, I see piles of books, musical instruments and snack bags that parents have brought in because their children forgot them at home. I often wonder what would happen if parents did not intervene?  Better yet, what if the principal instituted a "no rescue policy" (Gibbs, 3) where parents were not permitted to come to bring their children's forgotten supplies to school in the morning? Surely there would be an initial protest but after feeling hungry and getting a few zeroes, you'll see how long it would take for the children to remember their things. An added benefit to this policy would be parents   not having to micromanage the items in their children's backpacks anymore!

Decision making is an essential life skill for children to develop.  As a hovering parent, if we make all of their decisions, how are they ever going to learn to do this on their own? After all, when our children make good choices that yield good results their self confidence can only increase.  In our house this month, the 5^th grade science project was the big buzz.  It was a lengthy assignment that involved many steps including written work as well as a creative layout on a poster board.  My hovering instincts took over. "How is my son going to complete this complicated project on his own? It's complicated. I had better help him out." Much to my surprise, my son was absorbed in the project. When I saw this, I decided to take a step back. He made decisions about which topic to choose, how to write it up and how to aesthetically lay it out. On his own, he decided to spend hours searching the internet to find pictures to make the display board more appealing and creative.  I could see how proud he felt when he was done.  I couldn't help being proud of myself too for controlling my "helicopter" instincts!

Stepping in to fix a potential problem that is upsetting a child may be a natural instinct for a parent.  We all know parents who rush to talk to the coach when their child is upset about not getting enough playing time.  We know others who immediately call the teacher when another student is bothering their child.  If these parents could encourage their sons and daughters to verbalize their thoughts and feelings, the children would see that they can solve their own problems. For instance, take my friend, Deborah whose 8 year old daughter Holly was recently in a show.  Holly was unhappy about her part in the play.  Instead of intervening, Deborah encouraged Holly to talk to the director herself.  She did so and the problem was resolved. As in this example, when children are left to figure certain things out for themselves, they become more resourceful, creative and flexible.

By shielding our children, we think we are protecting them and even preventing them from having "negative" feelings.  However, exposing children to some level of disappointment at a young age can help them develop coping skills they can build on as they get older. Children are resilient.  When posed with difficult feelings, they will not fall apart.  They will bounce back and learn ways to soothe themselves.  Elizabeth Crary, author and parent educator says that if you rush to make life pleasant, you do not give your children the chance to deal with their frustration and letdowns themselves.

Parents certainly start out meaning well when they intervene on their children's behalf, but can constant control have lasting effects on children?  Neil Montgomery, a psychologist at Keene State College in New Hampshire did a study about helicopter parenting (Rettner, 1). Although there was not a direct cause and effect link, having so-called helicopter parents was associated with children being dependent, anxious, self conscious and vulnerable.  He thinks this research should make parents aware that there is indeed such a thing as over-parenting. My friend told me about a helicopter mom with a 13 year old daughter. This parent calls her child's friends for homework assignments and emails the teacher about tests and long term projects.  She even picks out her daughter's clothes. By taking control, this mother is sending a message to her daughter that she is not capable of taking care of herself. Perhaps this may be the reason for some of her daughter's self esteem and anxiety issues.

The question remains, "How do we give our children the tools to become   responsible adults?" Three year olds can put their toys away instead of mom cleaning the playroom every night. Grade school youngsters can be encouraged to talk to their teachers and coaches about issues that arise and they can make their own beds!  Preteens and adolescents should manage their own school work. When the time comes, high school students should be preparing their own college applications. Responsible children, make responsible adults!

References

Crary, Elizabeth. Dealing with Disappointment. Seattle: Parenting Press, Inc, 2003. 7-10. Print.

Gibbs, Nancy. "The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting." The Seattle Times. CNN, 20 Oct. 2009. Web. 18 May 2011. <www.time.com>. 

Krache, Donna. "How to Ground a 'Helicopter Parent'." CNN Living. Turner Broadcasting System, 13 Aug. 2008. Web. 17 May 2011. <http://articles.cnn>.

Rettner, Rachael. "'Helicopter' Parents Have Neurotic Kids." Kids and Parenting on msnbc.com. N.p., 3 June 2010. Web. 27 May 2011. <www.msnbc.msn.com>.