Communication is the Key to Positive Family Relationships

Usually I like to start my articles with a catchy phrase to draw the readers in. However, I think this topic is so vital to the emotional health of our families that the title alone will make people want to read more! Why is it so important to communicate with our children? Although it may be tough to get them to open up, having an honest exchange with our children helps them feel validated, helps them learn to identify and process feelings and gives them a safe place to talk about the stumbling blocks that occur on the road of life. Developing open dialogue allows children to hear the important messages you are trying to send to them. Parents and children should be talking about fun topics like sports, video games, clothes, food as well as more serious things like feelings, friends, school or challenges they are facing.  Sometimes it’s just not easy to talk but there are many ways to help your children share and create an atmosphere of candid discussion.

Do you ever wish that when you complain to someone about your bad day that they can just acknowledge your feelings and empathize with your complaints? How would you feel if someone listened to you but then grumbled and whined about how much worse their day was? Children need some of the same things we do.  They want to feel heard and validated because it feels good. Being validated can even improve their self esteem and increase their ability to be assertive in asking for things they need. Children who feel heard will likely be more empathic to others because they know how good it feels to be supported.  When children have an emotionally safe place to talk, they learn to identify and work through all kinds of feelings. This skill will serve them well throughout their lives because they will look for relationships where there is a sense of openness, honesty and an ease of sharing.  Let’s face it, when you let out your feelings, you usually feel a whole lot better.  Conversely, keeping strong feelings inside can sometimes lead to more serious problems such as depression, intense anger, stress and anxiety.

We have the power to shape our children through the messages we give them (Taylor, xii).  If we can develop a healthy connection with our children by talking and listening, they will be more likely to hear the healthy messages we are sending.  The important ideals that parents convey through these messages may include family values, respect, boundaries, problem solving skills and patience. Having a set of standards to follow will help children excel at school and even later on in life when they go to college and into the workforce.  After all don’t parents just want to raise healthy, happy and well adjusted children? 

So what do you talk about with your children?  It doesn’t always have to be serious topics.  A good place to start is with whatever they are interested in. For younger children it may be the Wiggles, dinosaurs and princesses.  For older children it may be the new draft pick in football or the new song on the radio.  Giving attention to their interests is going to get them talking which can always lead to more serious dialogue when they need it.  Other topics to discuss can be a fight they had with a friend, their frustrations with a teacher they don’t like, or their opinion about new rules being set forth in the house. More serious issues such as bullying, peer pressure or upsets about difficult social situations may need to be discussed as they get older.

What is the best way to create this open dialogue?

Having regular family dinners is a good place to start. When I was a child, I remember having dinner together as a family every night as soon as my dad walked in from work.  In this fast paced world of two working parents and multiple children with numerous extra curricular activities, family dinners often happen at the McDonald’s drive thru with only part of the family present. In a recent survey commissioned by Barilla (a food company) and Family Circle Magazine, it was found that 70 percent of kids appreciate their parents more when they take time to share a meal together (Family Circle, 86). Frequent family dinners keep the lines of communication open and create a sense of connection (Family Circle, 84).  So even if these dinners can’t happen every night of the week, schedule them for one or two nights a week or whenever you can.  Make sure these dinners are fun and that everyone has time to share the spotlight.  Pretty soon, everyone will look forward to sharing this special family ritual and you may even be surprised how much everyone is willing to talk.

Listen and Engage!  When your children are talking to you, how often are you looking at your blackberry, reading the paper or talking on the phone? This obviously isn’t the best way to listen to your kids!  Stop what you are doing, maintain eye contact, reflect back what they are saying to you and ask questions.  These are the ways that children know you really hear what they are saying.

One of the best times to talk to tweens or teens is in the car when they don’t feel like they are in the spotlight. Asking pointed or direct questions may feel intrusive to them.  A good way to open up the dialogue is to talk about a conflict you had with a coworker or an emotional conversation you had with an old friend. This might help them feel comfortable bringing up a conflict they want to talk about. They can also learn that even adults have issues they have to work through.  

Control your strong emotions when you disagree with a child’s viewpoint (Foxhall, 30).  Coming on strong will likely shut your children down without leaving room for their opinions or feelings.  It’s okay to disagree or set down the rules because you are the parent but doing this calmly will allow for the dialogue to continue.

The world is a busy place and so much happens in all of our lives on a given day.  Having a place to process it all can feel very comforting.  Creating this open environment with your children can take a lot of work but the end result is worth it.  You will feel good about yourself as a parent and your children will certainly reap great benefits from it. 

 References

Foxhall, Kathryn. "APA Launches Parent-Child Communication Campaign." . American Psychological Association, May 2000. Web. 30 Nov. 2011. <www.apa.org>.

"Pull Up a Chair." Family Circle Feb. 2011: 84-86. Print.

Taylor, Jim. Your Children are Listening. New York: The Experiment, n.d. xii-xiii. Print.