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About Us Parenting Corner Don’t be a Pal, Be a Parent: Set Limits Now
About Us Parenting Corner Don’t be a Pal, Be a Parent: Set Limits Now
Don’t be a Pal, Be a Parent: Set Limits Now |
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| Written by Danielle Keiser | |
| Thursday, September 22, 2011 | |
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Picture this familiar scene. It’s 7:00 AM on Sunday morning. My two older children are sleeping and I’m drinking my first cup of coffee. My 5 year old son is bouncing a rubber ball against the den wall. “Charlie, please stop bouncing the ball. It’s making too much noise.” All is quiet for 2 minutes. Then I hear it again…bounce, bounce. “Charlie, PLEASE stop bouncing the ball.” This time it only takes 30 seconds for it to begin again. Do I reprimand him immediately or do I just let him do it until he tires out and goes onto something else? The easier solution is to just ignore him. However, dealing with the situation immediately and correctly will have greater lasting results. It’s our job as parents to teach our children that there are certain expectations and consequences for their behavior. We all know that setting limits and boundaries around bedtime, homework, TV watching, and time with friends is important for children. But have you ever stopped to think about why? Setting limits and boundaries teaches children how to behave in the world. It helps them learn to deal with their emotions and it provides a sense of security. It also helps them develop and maintain healthy boundaries in their relationships.
Dr. Robert Mackenzie, an educational psychologist and family therapist defines limit setting as a process parents use to teach their family’s as well as society’s rules. It also teaches expectations for acceptable behavior. He explains that some parents accomplish this with harsh reprimands and punishments. Others do it with gentle reminders and persuasion. Some shift back and forth and others state their rules clearly and firmly and hold children accountable for their actions. Whatever your method is, it’s important to own it and to periodically reevaluate it to make sure it is working for you and your family. Limits teach children about behavior. Take the above example of my son Charlie. Let’s say I take the ball away from him because he doesn’t stop bouncing it. After I do that, he has a temper tantrum, screaming that he wants the ball back. In my efforts not to wake the other children, I give him the ball. What do you think he has learned from this scenario? He now knows that in a similar situation, having a tantrum may get him what he wants. How do you think it will work if he tries to do this with his new kindergarten teacher in September? Not well at all! Let’s take this one step further. Let’s say this time, I give the ball back after the tantrum but next time it happens, I don’t give the ball back? He will likely be confused about what is expected of him. He will probably push the limits more each time in order to figure out what is right. As this example shows, the more consistent we are with our limit setting the more clear our children will be about what is expected of them. How to deal with and express their emotions appropriately is an important life skill that children need to master. A 9 year old boy I used to work with was being picked on at school. He acted out at home by starting fights with his siblings and being disrespectful to his parents. Not knowing the circumstances, his parents immediately disciplined him. Unfortunately, the behavior did not change. Eventually they found out about the bullying from his teacher. Once they knew the whole story, they changed their strategy. While the negative behavior still needed to be addressed, they gave him extra support and more space for him to talk. Finally, he opened up and shared his anger and embarrassment about the bullying. Not surprisingly, his behavior drastically improved. As the above example demonstrates, limit setting coupled with discussions about the feelings behind the behavior, will help children learn to identify, regulate and express their emotions as they grow and develop. Abraham Maslow, a prominent psychologist who founded Humanistic Psychology outlined that human beings have a hierarchy of basic developmental needs. A sense of safety and security is one of the five on this list. Those children who don’t feel like they have a trustful person to watch out for them may feel overwhelmed by the power they think they have. At times, these feelings can be manifested in negative behavior. I have a friend who sets minimal limits with her school age children. They don’t have a regular bed time, they stay alone for long stretches of time and there are no consequences when they misbehave. Maybe her children think that it’s great to stay up late and do whatever they want but their behavior says otherwise. Her 15 year old has recently begun isolating himself from friends, her 11 year old is having trouble in school and her 6 year old has been wetting his bed at night. Although children may not think they need them, limits and boundaries create a feeling of security by providing a structure within which to navigate their world (Mackenzie, 11). Boundaries are the emotional and physical spaces that we place between ourselves and others. Children need to learn about the physical and emotional boundaries in their relationships. They should be taught by parents early on about how to respect their bodies, how to establish their own personal space and how to respect the personal space of others (Neitlich). One way, children can create healthy emotional boundaries is by voicing their thoughts and feelings about how other people’s behavior affect them. We all know adults who can’t say no in order to gain approval from others and adults who don’t allow themselves to get close to others because their emotional boundaries are too rigid. Understanding how to establish healthy boundaries at an early age will help children avoid these difficulties by enabling them to develop confidence and self respect. Setting limits and establishing good boundaries is an essential parenting task. What we set limits on and the way we set them may need to be reevaluated and changed in order to accommodate children’s growth and development. Limit setting provides a secure and safe framework for children to go out and interact with the world. At times, children may push or resist the limits but it’s up to us to stay firm. So when you get frustrated (as all parents do!), be patient, be consistent and remember the end goal is to raise confident and well adjusted children! On one last note, the next time my son bounces that rubber ball while his siblings are sleeping I will surely stop him and hide it in the closet! ReferencesBrazelton, T B., and Stanley I. Greenspan. The Irreducible Needs of Children. Cambridge: Perseus Publishing, 2000. Print.MacKenzie, Robert J. Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries. 2nd ed. Vol. 2. Rocklin: Prima Publishing, 1998. viii-20. 2 vols. Print. "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs." Wikipedia. N.p., 8 Sept. 2011. Web. 15 Aug. 2011. Neitlich, Elana. "Setting Limits and Boundaries; A Parenting Gift That Keeps Giving." MomsonEdge.com Blog. N.p., n.d. Web. 12 Aug. 2011.
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